My approach as a relational therapist
When I work with couples I see it as treating three factors, each individual and the relationship. Relational therapists will often say that the relationship is the client and work on the best ways to support the relationship’s needs and how each individual contributes to the relational dynamic and its struggles.
Many factors from the outside can have profound impacts on our relationships. The pursuit of education, careers, aging parents, children, parenting/parental responsibilities, individual needs, the death of loved ones, friendships, financial stress, health factors, our own age and maturity to name just a few issues that play into the equation of our relationships. As a systemically oriented therapist I try to consider all the factors at play impacting a couple. I draw from a number of relational therapeutic approaches and models such as John and Julie Gottman’s work, Esther Perel’s work, and Acceptance and Commitment therapy among others. I don’t adhere exclusively to any particular model or approach since what couples present with often shapes the direction and approach that I will take as a therapist.
When working with couples the majority of our sessions will be with both partners together although there can be times when it is beneficial to have individual sessions with each partner separately. This decision is informed by where a couple is in their relationship and what the couple and myself feel might be most helpful.
Working with Romantic Partners
The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. Esther Perel
Relationships can be some of the most cherished aspects of our lives and they have the potential to cause us some of our greatest emotional pain as well. Relationships take work and effort. At times relationships can feel effortless signifying our compatibility and at other times relationships take work and it is natural to question if things should be this hard. As a therapist I see relationships as a dynamic created between two (or more) people and when a relationship is struggling the work is how to address this dynamic and our response to it.
People often asked me if being a relational therapist makes me a better spouse. While I am sure this has helped, I often reply that being married makes me a better therapist. I have been in two long term committed relationships spanning 30 years together. While I do not believe endurance necessarily equates to success or being good at something, it does provide lived experience and a familiarity with some of the challenges that are part of being together with someone.
Whether clients are in a new relationship and want to work on building a solid foundation for their relationship to grow or for clients who have been partnered for several decades and need help to reconnect, relational therapy can help. This includes helping clients establish healthy communication patterns, providing a safe place to discuss intimacy, sex/sexual exploration/non-monogamy, infidelities, parenting, financial issues, roles and responsibilities in a shared home, and separation/divorce.
Every marriage is a battle between two families struggling to reproduce themselves. Carl Whitaker